THE CHRISTMAS YAWN

We all love it, of course. Christmas. Eat and drink too much then stretch out and snore away the hours until the next round of food and booze. Happens every year. Just to make you realise it's not all fun and festivities there are always a few family arguments to liven up the proceedings. The latest board game seemed like a good idea when it was purchased - but the rules weren't designed to be understood by anyone who has just had a few too many Bristol Cream sherries. You cheated. No, I didn't. That's me finished. Count me out.

Was it always like that? Well, yes it was actually. The TV also seemed to dominate Christmas Day and Boxing Day and there weren't many who would switch it off if Morecambe and Wise were doing one of their specials. And those who liked to wear some silly Santa outfit could spend the afternoon on the terraces watching a football match that was often an anti-climax for the largest crowd of the season.

As the years go by, the attractions of staying up late to play games, get drunk and watch a Hollywood blockbuster are not so appealing. Bed is far more inviting even if that means leaving the grandchildren downstairs to cause havoc as they become too tired for comfort and often very fractious.

The best part is still that walk after Christmas lunch..."to get a bit of fresh air". It does help to release some of the flatulence induced by the Brussel sprouts and the cup of tea when you return is very welcome. The presents which seemed like a good idea when you saw them in Marks and Spencer or Toys R Us are now piled in the corner almost forgotten. They will come out again on Boxing Day - but those gloves were not a good idea and there's already a suggestion that the shirt will be returned because it's the wrong size. Next year you vow to buy everything on-line.

The build-up to this period of over-indulgence becomes more frenetic as the hours and minutes tick by. By Christmas Day it's clear that there are too many tins of Quality Street, plates of nuts everywhere that bring on coughing fits and enough alcohol to have the neighbours round every night for a month. Next year, says someone, we are thinking of going to a hotel for a few days.

You never do. It's a just another example of the idle chit-chat that dominates the social banter when the tele isn't on. This is not an occasion for deep, philosphical conversations and for that we should be more than thankful. In fact, it's the best time for doing nothing except eating, drinking and sleeping. And my favourite is sleeping.

So I'm off to bed. You can't do that; it's only 10 o'clock. I can - and I am.

Good night.